Happy Father's Day

I remember the last time I saw my father. If I had one word to describe the visit, it would be surrender. I believe that as I sat on his bed in the nursing home reading Psalm 51 out loud, he was able to surrender to whatever it was he needed to. I felt that he was at peace. There is also part of me that believes that I had somehow given him permission to let go and die. There is so much I don't know about my father. I never asked him about how he grew up, about the relationship he had with his mother or his father. About the only thing he talked to me about were his Navy days. I cling to those memories. And the memories that I have of him when I was a child. Him making up stories about tugboats that had my name, and the name of my brother and sister. And the game we called good daddy, bad monster--he was a nice daddy one moment and with a push of the "button" (his forehead) he turned to growling and tickling. My sister and I were younger than my three older siblings, so a lot my memories were with just us. I think my father never had enough courage or never knew how to overcome his feelings of fear or failure. That saddens me so much. I am grateful now to know that he is perfect and happy and whole in heaven.

I also think of my son's father, our choices, and how the actions of my 17 year-old self has determined my son's future but not his destiny. Or his legacy.

Today, I get to spend the day with my son who is a father now. To watch him be a parent is the most incredible gift God has ever given me. He is learning to be a husband, a father, and a man without having the example of what that looks like modeled for him. I'm sad for that. But I am grateful for the love he had of his grandparents, especially his grandfather. I am really proud of him and of how is figuring things out for himself.

My wish for father's everywhere, actually men everywhere, is that they have and are models for each other. Happy Father's Day to all the men who are fathers, and a special thank you to those of you who have helped all the fathers and fathers-to-be who haven't had a father of their own.